First, let me start by saying I am not strictly anti-Facebook. Sure, it’s full of annoying morons, but so isn’t the grocery store. I still need food.
Also, Facebook gives us a chance to keep in touch with people we couldn’t otherwise. I enjoy watching the people I went to high school and college with go on adventures, or see their kids dressed up in Halloween costumes, or start a band.
And hopefully they aren’t terribly annoyed by my writing. But hey, they can hide me. Fuck ‘em.
Plus, Facebook is a fairly efficient event planner. Most everyone you know is on it. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t get invited anywhere if it wasn’t for Facebook.
But there are certain people who somehow manage to rise above and say things so tragically stupid that this… this will be my monument to them. I can’t even hate them, because Facebook wouldn’t be the same without them.
Just Believe in Yourself and Be Happy!
You know ‘em. They’re constantly posting inspirational quotes on backdrops of sunsets and mountains and shit. They tell you that each obstacle is just another step to prove yourself. I’m not sure if that counts if you got your legs blown off in a weird mining accident, but whatever, this person once overcame a headache and an upset stomach in one day so get to it!
Listen, go ahead and be motivated. Great. I’m happy for you.
But please stop telling me to be happy or to keep my chin up. You don’t know me. You don’t know what I’m going through. I’m allowed to feel however the fuck I want.
I Used to Be An Autonomous Human Before My Child
I get it. You love your kids. They’re adorable. Totally.
You want to capture every moment. Their first step. Their first word. Their first diarrhea (you got that on film, right?!).
But you don’t need to set your profile pic to be your kid. You are more than just a parent. For fuck’s sake, you used to be a real person with dreams, hopes, aspirations. At least hobbies. Interests.
Now you’re just a picture of your kid riding a bike. Listen, your kid’s cool, but I’m not friends with them on Facebook for a reason, and it’s only partially due to certain laws.
(Wow, okay, too far.)
Hey, Check Out This Sepia-Toned Meal I Just Posted!
This is more of an instagram problem, but still rears its head on Facebook since a lot of people post everything on Instagram to Facebook anyway.
You’re a good cook and/or went to an awesome restaurant. Cool. I’m happy for you.
But unless I get to eat that shit, I don’t want to see it. It’s like taking a picture of a giant pile of money. I want it. I can’t have it. Stop being an asshole.
The Vague Drama Kings and Queens
“Ugh. Why do I ever trust people. They’ll just stomp on your heart every time. That’s what I get for believing in love.”
You have no idea who the fuck they’re talking about. Probably that girl he met two weeks ago when he was all, “So lucky to have her <3<3<3.” Now, predictably, this poor, innocent person has had their heart broken. Or betrayed. Or whatever it is this month.
Of course, the only thing better than watching this is all of the people who suddenly rush in, “Oh, don’t worry, you’re a beautiful/handsome/wonderful person, people are the worst, keep your chin up!”
I’d be disgusted, but mostly I’m amused.
The Body Worshippers
It used to just be a guy thing. Posting pictures of scantily clad women. We all knew it was trashy, but hey, some guys are just ridiculous.
But more and more, I’m starting to see it with women. Listen, I get it. Alexandar Skarsgard, Joe Manganiello, and Adam Levine are all incredibly hot. I get it. (Well, not really, I think Levine sucks, but that might just be my undying hatred of Maroon 5.)
Suddenly my news feed is full of totally cut dudes not wearing shirts. Celebrities, musicians, soccer players. You name it. It can give a guy a complex.
But hey. Equality’s a motherfucker.
The Gym Rat
You never lose track of your gym rat friends on Facebook because don’t worry, they’re telling you exactly where they are. Every. Damned. Time.
Oh, hey, you go to the gym? Cool. I also go to the gym. The difference is that I know my life is not so endlessly fascinating that my mere gym trips are worthy of status updates. I mean, I guess what’s the point of even going to the gym unless you tell everyone, right?
Okay, I admit… this one’s my fault a bit. What can I say. I’m a bit of an argumentative bastard, believe it or not. When someone posts something stupid on Facebook, whether it’s about guns or vaccines or the totally legitimate worldwide Jewish conspiracy, I want to let it go. Really, I do.
But I fucking can’t.
And I know it’s annoying. I know watching an endless argument with two people who barely know each other is not exactly everybody’s idea of a good time. I’m sorry. I’M SORRY OKAY.
Endless Self Promotion
You’re such a hot shot photographer! And/or business owner! Awesome. But you never stop talking about it. Your entire Facebook profile is essentially an advertisement for you and how clever you think you are on your blog.
Oh. Right. Fuck.