Bernie Sanders Can’t Save U.S.

“Bernie Sanders is going to change things. He gets it. He tells it like it is. He understands that money’s ruining politics. That it’s us vs. the 1%. And the first thing he’s going to do is get a Supreme Court Justice who’s wiling to overturn Citizens United.”

— Person Who Votes in Elections Every Four Years (Maybe) And Has No Idea How Laws Actually Work

It’s That Time Again…

Yes, that’s right, it’s that time once again, as it is every four years, for all your armchair news followers to suddenly decide to get involved! And by “get involved,” I of course mean post things on Facebook.

Obviously we’re not talking about anything really radical here, like calling your Congressperson, or Heaven forbid your local state senators/congressfolks, who are comically accessible via email, phone. Probably even fax, those poor bastards.

Lonely Businessman

“Doesn’t anybody care about the Appropriations Commitee?! I’m so lonely… “

No, of course, there will be none of that. You’ll brush it off as, “They don’t care about me.” They’re all a bunch of political hacks taking money from corporations. I mean, maybe if you asked them, you’d find they actually have their own aspirations, dreams, ideas. Probably. Who knows? Not you.

Because you’re here, rain or shine, every four years, to tell us what’s wrong with a system you barely know anything about.

Our savior!

The Neckbeard!

If he can’t change politics, someone with a degree probably can.. ?

I’m Sure This Will Be Totally Different From Ron Paul

Don’t worry, guys. I doubt this will end in exactly the same way that Ron Paul Fever did. Remember how great that worked out? He told it like it was, too! He stood up for Libertarianism! Real freedom! He got it!

It's Happening!

Well, by “it” I obviously doesn’t mean Paul’s political aspirations.

What he didn’t get was votes. But hey, nobody’s perfect.

I’m sure Bernie Sanders is different. I mean, okay, yeah, he’s a Democratic Socialist in what is essentially a center-right nation, but still, he calls it like it is! He’s not afraid to tell us the hard truths!

I mean, sure, those hard truths apparently don’t resonate with non-whites at all, but, uh, who needs… those… ? Er… hm. Yea, that is a bit awkward, isn’t it? Weird how a 70-year-old ultraliberal white guy from Vermont can’t seem to get out the minority vote.

Don’t worry, I’m sure that him being behind like 25-30 points right now is just a blip on the Unstoppable Bernie Sanders Bandwagon.

Of course, Hillary Clinton is in a historically good position with universal support from large demographics, but, uh, did you hear that Sanders filled a stadium with people? So take that!

Bernie Sanders in front of crowd

Pictured: Entire U.S. electorate, Sanders hopes

Even If He Won, Nothing Would Change.

The problem with all these folks who love Sanders is that they don’t really get how the government works. Let’s say by some fucking miracle Bernie Sanders won and becomes President of the Unites States.

He can’t overturn Citizens United. Only the Supreme Court can do that. And you know what you can’t do without Senate approval? Appoint Supreme Court judges.

You think the same Senate which has a GOP which blocks anything and everything is gonna give liberal-ass Bernie Sanders his Dream Judge? Hahahahahhahahahahahaha… yeah. No.

Presidents don’t write laws. Congress does. Well, they’re supposed to, anyway. And a President Sanders isn’t suddenly going to make everyone in Congress get along anymore than President Obama did. And Obama was a centrist compared to Sanders.

How a Bill Becomes Law

The system is quite complex, really.

If You Want to Change Things, Start Local

Yes, I’m a cynic. Yes, I am laughing at the idea that Bernie Sanders is going to be President.

But if you really do care, and you really want change, you know what you need to do? Vote. Not just in Presidential elections. You need to vote for Senate Midterms. You need to vote for your local Congresspeople. You need to vote for your Mayors and your Aldermen and First Selectwomen.

Those are the people who affect your day to day life the most. And they’re the ones who influence national politics. When state politics work, national politicians take notice. Where do you think they get ideas? From their brains? Come on.

Zombie Politician

That’s what they have YOU for!

Go ahead, call your local Congressperson. I guarantee you someone picks up, listens, and tells the Senator. Because the only other people who do are old people. And all they give a shit about is social security and taxes. They don’t care about your dumb kids or their education.

So go ahead. Make a difference.

But the next time you explain to me how Bernie Sanders is exactly what this country needs, I’m gonna laugh. It’s weird how politicians don’t pander to people who don’t vote, huh?